Monster Lobsters Invade Tokyo
We have received word that monster lobsters are invading the central Japanese island of Honshu. Early reports indicate that they are crawling over children in Tokyo.

The alarmed population - trained by years of Godzilla films - knew exactly what to do. The population ran through the streets; scientists whose lips moved out of synch with their lips debated the cause of the plague; military and civilian authorities dithered.

Finally a little boy, seen in the accompanying photograph (click it for larger view), swatted one of the lobsters, which fell at his feet. It was later discovered that lobsters don't live very long out of water. No additional cases have been reported. Monster patrols are in place along many east Asian coastlines, where large pots of boiling water, vegetable hors d'oeuvres and various entertainments have been assembled.

Explanations of the phenomenon abound. Global warming has been suggested, but of course that was denied by energy industry scientists during a hastily scheduled conference at a luxury hotel in the tropics. New age thinkers have asserted that the lobsters have voluntarily come out of the water, sacrificing themselves to show mankind that rising sea temperatures are not good for living things. They take as evidence the fact that the lobsters have donned sweaters in respect for human modesty. Unfortunately, in a classic example of counterintuitive results, the large pots of boiling water at the seacoasts have dulled the point of that message. Are we doomed?

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