Noting that many eastern state names will no longer fit inside the boundaries of their remaining territories these forward thinking leaders have proposed shortening the names of cities, counties and states to reduce the cost of reprinting maps, gazetteers and schoolbooks. Some of the proposed changes follow; coastal cities slated for oblivion are marked with asterisks (map).
Donald Trump, ever seeking to appear relevant, tweeted that any climate change would be hugely unfair.
The opening of the new Gulf of Mississipi would require shortening Mississippi to Misippi, which was not opposed, as that is how most residents already pronounce it. Missouri would be reduced to Mizzou in honor of the UM football team.
As Cape Cod and most of eastern Massachusetts disappear, the state's name would be changed to Massa (after tacit approval by the lone African American representative at the conference). Connecticut would be renamed Con in honor of the health insurance industry.
The state of Lua (formerly Louisiana) would be reduced to a small area surrounding its only remaining city, Shrev, which presumably would become the capital and major port given its location on the shores of the Gulf of Mississippi.
The capitals of Massa, Mary, Virg, Nocalina, and Socalina would be replaced by Springield, Balamer, Charlottesville, Raleigh (now also its major seaport), and either Greenville or Newberry, respectively. Bama had yet to name its new capital at this writing.
Most western state names would escape change, as in the 19th Century Congress created them with a principal east-west axis wide enough for any of their names. In addition, the names California, Utah, Nevada, etc., all fit their territories either vertically or diagonally as well. Texas would revert to Tejas to reduce the font-count, but it would be allowed an extra point size.
The disappearance of Washington, D.C., was heralded as a net gain by the conservative audience. When polled, the group could not reach consensus on funding for the preservation of the Library of Congress or the National Archive (repository of the Declaration of Independence and U.S. Contitution). The submergence of Florida was also considered a benefit due to the prospective reduction of Medicare and Social Security payments. Florida's role as anti-commie bastion was mitigated, as Havana and all its pro-Fidel monuments were also expected to be under water. Ample funds would be allocated for the replacement of Delaware as the nation's new tax haven, its secret location to be revealed at a later date. Speculation focused on Nevada.
Participants from several fundamentalist organizations, excluded from the main conference, protested the entire conference theme, arguing that if that if Americans would merely pray for deliverance, all the excess water would drain back into the giant caverns beneath the earth where it went after the Noachian Floods.
Criticism surfaced from lefty liberal sources, who claimed that the conference merely diverted attention from a serious global problem to a trivial fiscal matter, Sen. Nero Plunkett of Socalina (formerly South Carolina) said, "fiddledeedee," which sentiment was widely shared among the delegates.
(Apologies to Daily Mail, UK.)