From TC's Tara Worthington, some words to live by, probably with a smile:
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..'
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..
- Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
- George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea: Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield
Money can't buy you happiness ..... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP AND SIT DOWN .
- Joe Namath
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..
- W. C. Fields
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..
- Phyllis Diller
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal
And the cardiologist’s diet: - If it tastes good spit it out
You think English is easy? Try to explain these to a first-grader or your ESL class. Each sentence contains one word spelled the same with different pronunciation and meaning. Rules? What rules?
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce .
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse refuse.
(We have a million of 'em. Sorta... )
They made me take a bath. I'm not happy. So there.
Washington State has implemented a "hands free" law for cell-phone-using drivers. A friend of mine has invented a low-cost way to comply. I can make the hands-free device available to you for only $25, plus shipping and handling, of course. (Click the image for a larger view.)
It seems young Robin Clark has taken an interest in anatomy. Could a medical career be in the offing? It may be just a bit early to predict.
A friend sent me a link to a convenient screen cleaner. Give it a try!
A wag writes: A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country. Well, there's a very simple answer.
The large text of the adjacent placard translates as "HUGE REDUCTIONS" - you be the judge. (Thanks to Gavin for spotting this.)
A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:
"Talking Dog for Sale "
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
Don't you wish you were a baby? You could go visit grandma in your baby carrier and sleep and eat and sleep and eat. (Robin Clark at 45 days approx., courtesy H&A Productions, film at 11. Click for larger view.)
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
I just found to my great delight a reference to my college roommate Don Harrison on the City of San Diego website. Read on.
According to the Everett Herald, the AP reports...
"LONDON - Great Scot! A shortage of ceremonial kilts could leave thousands of soldiers without a stitch of plaid to wear as they parade to the skirl of the bagpipes. Military officials said Monday that more than 5,000 Scottish soldiers are having to share their kilts because defense chiefs have not finalized a contract to buy enough of the garments to go around."
One ancipates heavy attendance at this year's Edinburgh Tattoo parades, and one assumes the sharing of kilts is sequential and not simultaneous.
UPDATE: I found a reference to the same story on a site called [url=http://www.wiccanweb.ca/article-15310.html?POSTNUKESID=c2bf71b23c9ee68f23bcd1bb6e3b6d82]Wiccanweb[/url]. Presumbably they'll be able to conjure up more kilts for those unfortunate Scots.
Everett Herald Article
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, The US attorney general said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
Al-Gebra is a fearsome cult, the attorney general said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute values. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there are 3 sides to every triangle'."